Papa Roach - Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:] I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

I'm back here again blogging another entry to this blog. I felt that i'm neglecting my blog for quite sometimes already. Anyway, i just changed the song on this blog to Scars by Papa Roach. A super great song and it's so addictive. I think this is the first time i'm saying this. I had been playing this song on my psp on repeating mode. HAHAHAHA

Recently especially these few days i have a fire in my eyes. I just felt so easily agitated by everything. Even in school, i tried not to show it to my classmates. Maybe my bipolar disorder is getting worst already? I felt that i had managed to keep it under control but i think i was wrong in my opinion. It most probably just become "inactive". My mother also become such as nagger recently, and i really hated her. She really spoiled my day when the first thing in the morning, she pulled a long face at me for no apparent reason. That is why i'm very agitated recently, i had the feeling of anger now especially nothing really happened before.

Eventhough this is not a post but this is what my name meant :p

You entered: tan huan neng, jason

There are 16 letters in your name.
Those 16 letters total to 61
There are 6 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flare for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

First of all, I want to wish everybody a happy new year 2006 and hopes that it will be a fruitful one. School is starting soon yet i'm not in a right mindset to attend it yet. Too much stuff had happened during the holidays, both good and bad. Well, it's good as the good outnumbered the number of bad stuff i had. Personally the bad stuff is only that i can't control my bipolar disorder and that's all. I think the good stuff well i not sure whether am i supposed to say it out yet but i think i would. I am being appointed a moderator at keeptouch forum. It's like a dream come true as i never thought that i would be a moderator at such big local forum. Officially through a private message of an admin there, my status should had been upgraded on new years' day but i not sure why that's not the case yet. But i don't there is anything to worry about, probably the admins were busy or something and i'm not hoping for the worst yet. I think having the bipolar disorder actually helps me alot. I feel that my thinking had become more mature and stuff. Bipolar disorder is not really a bad thing in my opinion. I feels that it's a test for me to better myself.

Speaking of bipolar disorder, few nights ago i had this strange dream when i was sleeping. I dreamt of jakob and i were sitting down having our meal and talking to each other. I think that it's not strange to have dreamt of a friend but i feels that it's so real and "her attitude" in my dream were no different in real life. I even remember how our conversation goes.

jakob: how are you late?
me: well, as per normal nothing good at all.
jakob: you are depress again?
me: i think so.
jakob: well, how many times must i say. depression is something that you brought it yourself. it will be over when you want it too.
me: you are another person that don't understand me at all. you know when i was depressed, i doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It felt as though my mind had burned out to a point of virtually useless. I am so haunted.... with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all. I will definately say "It's only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it..."but of course, i doubted you or any other people have any idea how i feel, although they are certain they do. If i can't feel, move, think or care, then what on earth is the point?
jakob:.....
me: Well i'm really depressed at a time, next i'm extremely mania. At first when I'm high, it's tremendous… ideas are fast… like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear…. All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there… uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria… you can do anything… but, somewhere this changes. The fast ideas become too fast and there are far too many… overwhelming confusion replaces clarity… you stop keeping up with it—memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened…. everything is now against the grain… you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.
jakob: well i still believe it's all crap to me...

at this point i'm awaken by the people doing renovation nearby. I was shocked when i had this dream as it's so real. I'm not sure if there is any hidden message or not since i do not had such dreams before. Of all my dreams, it's all with those funny or eccentric people. But this is the first time i had someone that is so close to her real persona.

Tomorrow might be watching King Kong with Gabriel. I think most people will not believe as till now i had not watched it yet. If time permit, i might be watching The Promise as well. LOL