Not Enough
Suddenly i felt so alone as cold was my soul and untold was the pain in the aftermath of what happened slightly more than 1 week ago which makes me no different from a rose in the rain.
Ok, I understand that Scissors can beats Paper and I get how Rock beats Scissors but there is really no way that Paper can beat Rock!!! Paper is supposed to "magically wrap around" Rock leaving it immobile? Then why can't Paper do this to Scissor? In fact, screw Scissor.... Why can't Paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of school-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I can tell you why, It's because Paper can't beat anybody! A Rock can tear that piece of shit in 2 seconds, when i play "Scissors-Paper-Stone", i always chose Rock. Then when people claimed they had beaten me with Paper, I will punch them with my already clenched fist and say something like "Holy Shit, I'm sorry as I thought Paper could protect you!" The reason why i saying this is because Paper represented Knowledge. The Knowledge of "Rock" are usually presented in Paper in the medium of our schoolbooks etc.... If we really want to have a great life, why do we need knowledge for? They say Knowledge is the key to Power, if it's me, I would rather not have this "power" and stay a simple person that is being sent by God to suffer the sins of my previous life.
This is like something nobody would understand. But i understood it well as I knew the feeling and what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can't and how you to try to hurt yourself on the outside just to kill the thing on the inside.
God if you are there, just tell me how to be different in the way that makes sense. To make all these go away and disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibilities, and I know that things get worst before it gets better. I remember in school last time, I was forced to sit in detention until 6pm everyday. While sitting there, I looked at people. I looked at teachers and wonder why are they there. Are they there because they like their jobs or us, the student? And i also wondered how smart were they when they were 16. Not in the mean way of course but in a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having 3 examinations, countless tests and a report book on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking and why especially i know that if i went to a different school, i will not know her at all and of course the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by someone else if he is pre-destined by fate. Even if so, why does it have to be so personal? It's much easier not to know things sometimes which brings me back to my earlier paragraph. Things will change and friends will leave, life will not stop for anyone. How i wished we could be friends for the next 10 years since we were already one for 7 years, but why things have to end up like this?
Thinking of this, I really want to laugh or maybe get mad. Or shrug at how strange everybody is, especially me. I think the idea is that every one has to live for his or her life and then make a choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives infront of yours and think that count as love, friendship, commitment or whatever fucks it is. You just can't, You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who i really am. And I'm going to figure out what it really is but do you have the same thinking as well? I'm really trying my best to make it up to you over what happened but why am i still doing here, sitting around in front of my laptop early in the morning, wondering and feeling bad about each other and blaming some other people for what they did or didn't do, or what they didn't know. I didn't know but guess there would always be someone to blame. However, it's just different. Maybe it's too good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's ok to feel things, and be who you are about them. I was really there and there was enough to make be feel............ INFINITE. That is right, I FEEL INFINITE.
Ok, I understand that Scissors can beats Paper and I get how Rock beats Scissors but there is really no way that Paper can beat Rock!!! Paper is supposed to "magically wrap around" Rock leaving it immobile? Then why can't Paper do this to Scissor? In fact, screw Scissor.... Why can't Paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of school-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I can tell you why, It's because Paper can't beat anybody! A Rock can tear that piece of shit in 2 seconds, when i play "Scissors-Paper-Stone", i always chose Rock. Then when people claimed they had beaten me with Paper, I will punch them with my already clenched fist and say something like "Holy Shit, I'm sorry as I thought Paper could protect you!" The reason why i saying this is because Paper represented Knowledge. The Knowledge of "Rock" are usually presented in Paper in the medium of our schoolbooks etc.... If we really want to have a great life, why do we need knowledge for? They say Knowledge is the key to Power, if it's me, I would rather not have this "power" and stay a simple person that is being sent by God to suffer the sins of my previous life.
This is like something nobody would understand. But i understood it well as I knew the feeling and what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can't and how you to try to hurt yourself on the outside just to kill the thing on the inside.
God if you are there, just tell me how to be different in the way that makes sense. To make all these go away and disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibilities, and I know that things get worst before it gets better. I remember in school last time, I was forced to sit in detention until 6pm everyday. While sitting there, I looked at people. I looked at teachers and wonder why are they there. Are they there because they like their jobs or us, the student? And i also wondered how smart were they when they were 16. Not in the mean way of course but in a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having 3 examinations, countless tests and a report book on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking and why especially i know that if i went to a different school, i will not know her at all and of course the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by someone else if he is pre-destined by fate. Even if so, why does it have to be so personal? It's much easier not to know things sometimes which brings me back to my earlier paragraph. Things will change and friends will leave, life will not stop for anyone. How i wished we could be friends for the next 10 years since we were already one for 7 years, but why things have to end up like this?
Thinking of this, I really want to laugh or maybe get mad. Or shrug at how strange everybody is, especially me. I think the idea is that every one has to live for his or her life and then make a choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives infront of yours and think that count as love, friendship, commitment or whatever fucks it is. You just can't, You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who i really am. And I'm going to figure out what it really is but do you have the same thinking as well? I'm really trying my best to make it up to you over what happened but why am i still doing here, sitting around in front of my laptop early in the morning, wondering and feeling bad about each other and blaming some other people for what they did or didn't do, or what they didn't know. I didn't know but guess there would always be someone to blame. However, it's just different. Maybe it's too good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's ok to feel things, and be who you are about them. I was really there and there was enough to make be feel............ INFINITE. That is right, I FEEL INFINITE.
