As i'm typing this post, i'm not feeling very good. It's like a living hell here over in my head. I had so much heavy thoughts here and there. I do not want to take my medication because it makes me so much like a living zombie. Without any expressions or emotions just like what happened when i went to watch The Chronicles of Narnia last thursday. I don't feel anything when i supposed to laugh, and don't feel excited when i supposed to be as well. If i didn't not take it, i will feel like what i am feeling now. I felt really sad for no reason at all, i cried when i thought of something that happened over the last few weeks. I felt so empty eventhough everyone are having the festive mood over the weekend. This is probably the worst episode of my life now.
Since yesterday was christmas day, which is Jesus Christ birthday. Before falling asleep, i kept asking myself why did God create human. I couldn't thought of the real answer because all i could think of is God create human for malice and misery. Like Sauron creating his one ring, god put all his malice into human so we can suffered his sin he felt before creating us. That is the real reason why mankind will never find peace even in death. In this world, there are no such thing as Peace or Love. Just Malice, Cruelty and Misery.
When i was cutted on my face this morning while shaving, blood flows down my cheek. But i did not feel a single pain at all. All i do was staring at the mirror, looking at myself. Maybe "that" person on the mirror is not me anymore. When i look at "him", i saw a complete stranger. Someone that had too much trouble going through his head, too much heavy thoughts forcing their way out and too much problem to think off yet was unable to solve them or cannot runaway.
I had been sleeping lately too. Going into the dreamland is the best way to runaway from it all eventhough it's just for that few hours. The strange stuff that i dreamt off makes the whole sleep wonderful but the moment i opened my eyes, i had started to feel dull again. I think i'm starting to hallucinate as well. I always "see" my room door opened whenever it's closed and always had a feeling of someone watching me from the corner of my room eventhough i'm alone in my house.
I knew i am a sick dude, but this is what i feels now. Maybe i should really follows the doctor advise of taking the medication everytime instead of skipping it.
Since yesterday was christmas day, which is Jesus Christ birthday. Before falling asleep, i kept asking myself why did God create human. I couldn't thought of the real answer because all i could think of is God create human for malice and misery. Like Sauron creating his one ring, god put all his malice into human so we can suffered his sin he felt before creating us. That is the real reason why mankind will never find peace even in death. In this world, there are no such thing as Peace or Love. Just Malice, Cruelty and Misery.
When i was cutted on my face this morning while shaving, blood flows down my cheek. But i did not feel a single pain at all. All i do was staring at the mirror, looking at myself. Maybe "that" person on the mirror is not me anymore. When i look at "him", i saw a complete stranger. Someone that had too much trouble going through his head, too much heavy thoughts forcing their way out and too much problem to think off yet was unable to solve them or cannot runaway.
I had been sleeping lately too. Going into the dreamland is the best way to runaway from it all eventhough it's just for that few hours. The strange stuff that i dreamt off makes the whole sleep wonderful but the moment i opened my eyes, i had started to feel dull again. I think i'm starting to hallucinate as well. I always "see" my room door opened whenever it's closed and always had a feeling of someone watching me from the corner of my room eventhough i'm alone in my house.
I knew i am a sick dude, but this is what i feels now. Maybe i should really follows the doctor advise of taking the medication everytime instead of skipping it.
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